You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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