already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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