That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he thought i was a dude.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
