I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
