I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
