glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
