I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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