All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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