its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
