I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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