can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
