I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
