i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
someone owes me an orgasm
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
