Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
