yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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