Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
this will be a night to untag.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
