it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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