i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
