the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
