He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i was born a porn star she said
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
