Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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