remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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