Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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