he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my phone needs a breathalizer
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
