so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
