ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
