I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
