he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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