I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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