I wish I could teleport
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
