I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You ruined the universe
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
