i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize