We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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