I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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