watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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