Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
