Ketchup is God's man juice
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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