I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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