I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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