Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
