i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
