Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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