I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
