was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
