i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
