You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize