my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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