I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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