I accidentally burped into my bong.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
