Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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