i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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