i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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