mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
