my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Life is so much better after having sex.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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