Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
