the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
