So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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