You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
