Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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