you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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