Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
