PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
