So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize