she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
