so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
