just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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