New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
