I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
