For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My life is pants optional.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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